Zero gravity, zero purpose

Was there a point to Katy Perry’s trip to space?

Those of you on the lookout for innovative ways of setting fire to a mound of surplus cash will have been keeping a close eye on the escapades of Katy Perry and her fellow blue-suited all-women space crew as they took off in Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket on Monday.

Together, Perry and Bezos’ fiancee Lauren Sánchez, civil rights activist Amanda Nguyen, CBS Mornings co-host Gayle King, film producer Kerianne Flynn and former Nasa rocket scientist Aisha Bowe spent a landmark moment (well, landmark 11 minutes) hovering up some 100km above Earth before coming back down – all in one piece with hair and makeup intact. Praise be for space tourism, your gateway to dizzying heights of fame! Literally!

What does it entail?

Do not ask how much all of this costs, because no one will tell you – not anyone from Blue Origin, anyway. The company does not publicly communicate the cost of its extraterrestrial adventures, but according to the BBC, you would need to put down a deposit coming up to $150,000 should you wish to explore it as a viable option. If this current economy, if you yearn to witness the Earth’s curvature first hand and ache to swish your hair around like a mermaid in zero gravity, your most realistic option would be to find a reasonable way of kicking Sánchez out of the picture and usurping her position.

Perry, Sánchez et al did not quite make it to orbit, but they did technically cross the Karman Line, which those who demarcate these things have accepted is high enough above the Earth’s atmosphere to be classified as ‘space’. However, do not spend any time searching for the point of this little adventure, because there isn’t one. A ‘point’ is never really on the agenda when space tourism is on the table, unless one of these days Bezos (or Musk) can coax a flat-earther unable to see anything but a straight line up there, and record how they find new ways of disproving the Earth’s curve.

So we have established that all you need to get up into space – or at least the very edge of it – is spare cash (or a plan to redirect Sánchez’s affections), and a willingness to turn a blind eye to the point of it all. You may have all of these things in abundance, but perhaps you are plagued with the fear that you lack adequate aeronautical knowledge.

Well, today is the day to banish those worries for good. Aeronautical know-how is not necessary to conquer the great beyond the way Perry did, just like you do not need a pilot’s licence to fly from Karachi to Dubai. Do not forget that William Shatner, too, went on a space adventure in October 2021. His many years as Captain Kirk may have prepared him somewhat for his little jaunt, but realistically, all that means is that Shatner was overqualified for the task at hand. If Perry and her team managed it without having served aboard starship enterprises, you can do it too.

Nevertheless, the cold-hearted cynics amongst you have probably been left baffled as to why these glamorous women continue to be referred to as ‘crew’ by everyone around them. As a homage to aerospace and real astronauts, it is necessary to point out that we – in addition to every news outlet that has reported this momentous occasion – have used the term ‘crew’ very, very loosely here.

This blue-suited all-women ‘crew’, whose loved ones have been tearfully remarking upon their bravery ever since they touched down, travelled in an autonomous spacecraft that negated the need for pilots in the way that roller coasters do not need train drivers.

Which is why, in the video placed on board to record their 11 minutes of fun, the scope of crew-like duties exhibited by Perry and her ilk appeared to be severely limited. Marvelling at the wondrous effects of zero gravity on hair? Certainly. Holding up a daisy to the camera?

Also yes. (When you have a daughter called Daisy, as Perry does, it is standard practice to carry on board a token daisy and don on a sombre expression as you brandish it before the camera.) Squealing at the curvature of the Earth and pointing out the moon? Yes, and yes again. However, it is probably safe to conclude that to label them all ‘crew’ is similar to calling yourself a skilled bus driver when you nab the last standing space on the 11C from Nipa to Sadar.

Dreaming big

As polar ice caps shrink and summers double down in intensity, perhaps you are unsure how, as humanity, we should all feel about the carbon footprint and extravagant (albeit mystery) cost of a short suborbital trip above Earth. However, do not trouble yourself for too long, because shortly after the New Shepard rocket landed, Khloé Kardashian was on hand to offer her perspective.

“I didn’t realise how emotional it would be, it’s hard to explain,” said Kardashian, as reported by the BBC. “I have all this adrenaline and I’m just standing here.”

Kardashian may have found it hard to persevere through her adrenaline long enough to find the words that could adequately convey all this emotion, but she did manage to deliver some sage advice.