Tune in, zone out

New mushrooms have landed on Indian TV’s alternate universe

On the night of May 8, I sat in my house, having some fantastic tea and doom-scrolling when I encountered news posted by several Indian media channels. Apparently, Karachi Port had been destroyed. Moreover, 100 missiles had been launched towards Pakistan, the Army Chief had been arrested, and the Indian Navy was rapidly advancing towards us too.

Hearing the commotion in my area, I also believed that Indian soldiers had arrived outside my house. I savoured every sip of what I believed was going to be my last cup of tea in this life and went out to check what was going on. It was a couple of kids fighting over whose dad will buy them a bigger goat this Eid ul Adha.

Little did they know that the biggest bakra this Eid were the Indian media who were reporting fake news like their lives depended on it (it probably did) and endorsing and celebrating war between two nuclear countries.

Interdimensional TV

Watching Indian media is quite literally akin to watching a blind goat run amok in the neighbourhood and cause havoc for absolutely no reason. It’s like watching interdimensional cable from Rick and Morty in which programs from infinite alternative realities are available. Because what the neighbouring countries’ channels were reporting was definitely not from this universe.

But then Bollywood is an alternate reality in itself where Hindi-speaking stars conquer the world with their dance moves. I was half expecting Akshay Kumar to fly over Karachi and drop DVDs of Bade Miyan Chote Miyan, since the 2024 film had a proven record of successfully bombing at the box office.

None of that happened, thankfully, despite what the Indian media reported.

If I were to believe the reports, Modi had developed a bagel-shaped blackhole and Pakistan was about to be swallowed by it. Does he not know our lives are already depressing enough that we wouldn’t even know the difference?

The world has underestimated our nihilistic tendencies. We have constantly lived through wars, terrorist attacks, fascism, dictatorships, and whatnot for decades. This is perhaps why Pakistani social media users resort to humour to cope with tragedies.

Either that, or they don’t understand the consequences of war. Either way, while the social media reactions did create endless entertainment out of it, war is not meant to be fodder for entertainment. Nobody can ‘meme’ their way out of a war.

The same channels which use AI-generated images to show Indian military decimating Pakistan have created consent for their country to start a war based on unproven allegations. It’s a move copied word to word from Israel’s playbook, which is unsurprising since the drones launched towards Pakistan were also made by Israel.

But this isn’t new. The Butcher of Gujarat has long been radicalising India for over a decade and pushing a Hindu vs Muslim narrative to cause further division. With the military and media on his side, one can see the constant brainwashing show its effects via the vitriol spewed by Indian celebrities.

While the government, media and militaries of the countries attempt to one-up each other, it’s the people who suffer – Indians, Pakistanis and especially Kashmiris who are always collateral damage in this pointless conflict.

Three nights in a row, India has attempted to attack Pakistan under the cover of darkness, with the most recent being the intercepted missile strike in the capital city of Islamabad and what looked like drone attacks in residential areas of Karachi. Once the Indian media was caught blatantly lying, and became the punchline of an unfunny joke, another attack looks not just like a provocation but rather a desperate attempt to save face after the Rafales failed them.

It’s astonishing that an investigation into the Pahalgam attack has become an afterthought and the focus on igniting a war with Pakistan. Forcing a country to retaliate, which Pakistan did, in order to start a regional war when both states have nuclear arms is undoubtedly the most foolish step. While the politicians on either side may have the luxury of hiding in bunkers, 1.5 billion Indians and 250 million Pakistanis do not.