Why you should stop texting your kids at school

Virginia high school teacher Joe Clement keeps track of the text messages parents have sent students sitting in his economics and government classes:

— “What did you get on your test?”

— “Did you get the field trip form signed?”

— “Do you want chicken or hamburgers for dinner tonight?”

Clement has a plea for parents: Stop texting your kids at school.

Parents are distressingly aware of the distractions and the mental health issues associated with smartphones and social media. But teachers say parents might not realize how much those struggles play out at school.

One culprit? Mom and Dad themselves, whose stream-of-consciousness questions add to a climate of constant interruption and distraction from learning. Even when schools regulate or ban cellphones, it’s hard for teachers to enforce it. And the constant buzzes on watches and phones are occupying critical brain space regardless of whether kids are sneaking a peek.

A few changes in parents’ behavior can help make phones less distracting at school. Here’s what teachers and experts recommend.

Many parents stay in touch with their child by texting, but school is a place for focusing on learning and developing independence. Teachers say you can still reach your child if you have a change in plans or a family emergency: Just contact the front office.

If the message is not urgent, it can probably wait.

Think of it this way: “If you came to school and said, ‘Can you pull my child out of calculus so I can tell them something not important?’ we would say no,” central Virginia school counselor Erin Rettig said.

Teachers emphasized: They are not saying parents are to blame for school cellphone battles, just that parents can do more to help. Tell your kids, for example, not to text home unless it is urgent. And if they do, ignore it.

“When your children are texting you stuff that can wait — like, ‘Can I go to Brett’s house five days from now?’ — don’t respond,” said Sabine Polak, one of three mothers who co-founded the Phone-Free Schools Movement. “You have to stop engaging. That’s just feeding the problem.”

Many parents got used to being in constant contact during the COVID-19 pandemic, when kids were home doing online school. They have kept that communication going as life has otherwise returned to normal.

“We call it the digital umbilical cord. Parents can’t let go. And they need to,” Clement said.

Parents might not expect their kids to respond immediately to texts (though many do). But when students pull out their phones to reply, it opens the door to other social media distractions.

At parent workshops, Rettig, the school counselor in Virginia, tells parents they are contributing to children’s anxiety by sending messages, tracking their whereabouts and checking grades daily, which doesn’t give kids space to be independent at school.

Some teachers say they get emails from parents right after returning graded exams, before the class is over, because kids feel the need (or are told) to report grades immediately to parents.

Dr. Libby Milkovich, a developmental and behavioral pediatrician at Children’s Mercy Kansas City, says she asks parents to consider what kids miss out on by having parents at arms’ reach during school hours.

“By texting back and forth with a parent, a child is unable to practice either self-calming or problem-solving skills,” Milkovich said. “It’s easy to text, but if I don’t have a phone, I have to go ask the teacher or I have to figure it out on my own.”