Coldplay cannot fix you

Internet claps back as cheating CEO gets caught on camera

Here is a pro tip for couples wishing to cheat on their partner without getting caught: do not do it at a Coldplay concert in Massachusetts.

This is the harsh lesson learned by AI startup Astronomer CEO Andrew Byron and the company’s HR head Kristin Cabot, both of whom are married to other people (at the time of writing, anyway). Not one to be bound by the inconvenient shackles of marriage, for a few glorious moments, both Byron and Cabot were secure in the delusion that they could enjoy a warm embrace away from prying eyes as they swayed in unison to Chris Martin on Tuesday night, with their respective spouses being none the wiser.

A nosy camera

Sadly for both Byron and Cabot, all delusions come to an end, especially on planets containing crowd cams. For this couple on the sly, it was a crowd cam that proved to be their undoing as one particularly nosy cameraperson trained an unwelcome lens on them and beamed this tender loving moment onto the big screen for anyone who had missed it.

Worry not if you were not amongst the esteemed Coldplay fans in attendance, for footage of this burst of romance was been unleashed upon TikTok on Wednesday. From there, it landed in the hands of X users and other social media commenters, who, as we all know, are universally famed for their kindness and sensitivity in the face of self-inflicted stupidity.

Whether or not you too are inclined to leave aforementioned kind and sensitive remarks online, you can nevertheless join the ranks of 34 million viewers who have studied the glorious moment these two lovebirds realise they are being watched. Cabot leaps away as if a large flying cockroach has just dropped on her, and buries her face in her hands. Byron, meanwhile, does one better and dives from view as though falling down a trapdoor

“Oh look at these two!’ observed Martin from the stage. “Oh what? Either they’re having an affair, or they’re just very shy.” Clearly the moment did not escape his memory, because during a separate crowd-cam moment featuring a separate couple, we can see him confirming, “Are you two a legitimate couple?”

Social media verdict

The hive mind of X – and every other social media platform — would never dream of shunning this absolute gift of a video, and true to form, they have risen to the occasion in glorious unanimity. Users with zero stakes in the affair have been churning out to add their own comments, observations and analysis to Cabot and Byron’s collective misery.

“Could have been worse — imagine the embarrassment if it had been Nickelback,” wrote one commenter. Another eagle-eyed user noted, “Coldplay hasn’t made a single in years. Last night they made two.”

Thoughts and prayers were also held for other men in a similarly precarious position to Byron who had escaped the unsolicited attention of this particular crowd-cam. “[The other guy cheating on his wife at the Coldplay concert: ‘Phew’.],” offered one forward-thinking commenter, paying homage to other individuals who were able to successfully carry out their cheating in private that night.

Instagram users, too, joined in the fray, finding a striking similarity between this blushing Coldplay couple and Jack and Rose’s Titanic sunset moment. “Who did it better?” posed the user, putting up a picture of both couples side by side.

It mattered little who did it better, and it matters even less that Byron himself has chosen to keep quiet throughout this unfortunate episode he has been thrown in. In the absence of a legitimate statement from the man himself, one particularly devious user filled the vacuum by supplying a fake one (fake confirmed fake by Grok, X’s trusty AI chatbot).

“Let me start by apologising to my family, my wife, and our wonderful employees,” reads the false statement from an Astronomer account. “My behaviour is inexcusable and the shame I am receiving is well deserved. I tried to hide my actions but the truth has finally been revealed. I am a Coldplay fan. And not just of the first two albums. I also like the recent stuff. I am going to take some time to contemplate my future, please respect our family’s privacy at this time.”

Whilst X head honcho Elon Musk saw fit to add a crying with laughter emoji to this questionable justification of even more questionable taste in music, one unconvinced user pressed the emotionally uninvolved Grok for answers.