Love fostering amid tradition

How the Amish develop romantic connections

The landscape is shaped by vast fields with grain silos and long clotheslines strung in front of farmhouses. As per a DW feature, combined with the many horse-drawn carriages on the roads, it feels like being transported back to a bygone era.

The Amish strive for humility and community. As members of the Anabaptist faith, they follow a strict interpretation of the Bible. In the Amish world, modern innovations like cars or the internet are mostly off-limits. This also rules out dating apps, which otherwise dominate the dating scene across the United States.

So how do members of this Christian faith community find a prospective romantic partner? To find out, two DW reporters travelled to Lancaster County in the northeastern US state of Pennsylvania, which is home to the world’s largest Amish settlement, with more than 43,600 members.

Cultural ties

The Amish originally came from Switzerland, Alsace and southern Germany. In the 17th and 18th centuries, they faced persecution there for their religious beliefs, which led many to seek refuge in the USA and Canada. Pennsylvania provided ideal conditions for their agricultural lifestyle. The language spoken by the Amish is Pennsylvania Dutch, a mix of German and English. Speaking about how the average age of marriage for Amish couples has shifted over time, Martha, a farmer, says,”Most people don’t marry as teenagers anymore, like I did back then, but in their early 20s.”

Wedding bells tolling

The Amish wedding season begins in mid-October and ends in March. The months after the harvest offer more free time for the elaborate celebrations, and the colder weather makes it easier to store all the food needed for the feast, since Amish people don’t use electric refrigerators.

“A wedding is a major event,” says a young waitress in a restaurant. “Families celebrate at home and host 300 to 500 guests. A wedding lasts the entire day, with three meals being served.”

A traditional meal consists of homemade bread stuffing with chicken, mashed potatoes, creamed celery and pepper slaw. Between meals, everyone sings songs from the Ausbund, the oldest hymn book of the Anabaptists.

“My younger sister is getting married next October,” the waitress says. Her sister has been with her partner for a year, with brief interruptions. This is allowed and not considered a sin by the Amish. However, divorce would result in excommunication. Premarital sex is also frowned upon. In case of a premarital pregnancy, marrying quickly is necessary to remain part of the community, she explains.

Wooing customs

On social media, an ex-Amish person called Lizzie Hershberger explains how dating works in her former community: A group of friends rides a buggy to a girl’s house at night and asks on behalf of their friend if she’s interested. If the interest is mutual, the young man is allowed into her room.

“They will lay in bed, no sex allowed. They’ll have conversations, but at one point the guy takes the lead and he’ll wrap his arms around the girl … and then they’re supposed to kind of rock around for a bit,” Lizzie says in the video. “The rule is like you rock around three times and then there is a kiss. And then you let go and go back to talking.”

Lizzie was part of the “Swartzentruber,” one of the most conservative subgroups. Traditions can vary significantly depending on the group, bishop and family rules. Here in Lancaster County, nearly everyone is part of the “Old Order Amish.”

Susan, who met with DW at a craft fair, describes dating customs in her community. “Once we’re 16, we attend youth services on Sundays. We sing Bible songs and play volleyball. It’s also where boys and girls meet,” Susan explains. “The boys initiate the first contact. So boys and girls get to know each other during these gatherings, not in the dark. They’re allowed to be seen together in public and can visit each other at home.”